Dear Little Sister:

 My sister (nine years younger than me) slowly left the LDS church as she began a non-mormon, troubled marriage very young. As she worked through these hard times in her life, we were not truly there for her. 

Dear Little Sister:

I cannot express the sorrow I feel for not being there when you needed your family the most. It hurts my heart to think about the loneliness you must have felt as a young women trying to find your way in an overbearing marriage and having your family support system ripped away.

I'm so sorry that the brainwashing of the church lead us to judge you for your choices instead of unwaveringly loving you and being there for you. I'm sure there were times that you wanted to reach out to us for guidance, but you knew and felt that the mormon judgment colored our natural love for you. 

When you called me to complain about the many times missionaries were sent your way, I told you that I understood your frustration. I tried to understand, but deep down I thought we were doing what was best. I hoped that someday you would change your mind and come back to the church. I knew that we knew better than you and I knew that we would have a "Sad Heaven" if our family was not complete in the next life. I don't know why I never understood the guilt that the church piled on top of all of us. 

Now that I have also left the church, I understand the guilt that pulls at you. Even after coming to the realization that the doctrine is false and completely fictional, there is the lifetime of indoctrination that makes you doubt. Could a little bit of self-restraint and obedience in this life create a perfect afterlife? I'm sure that the constant materializing missionaries, invitations (or non-invites) to church activities, gifts of scriptures or church books did not help you feel more connected to our family. They were, instead, slowly slicing that connection in half. 

The church preaches how important family is and tells us that it is the most important unit to Heavenly Father. But then they turn right around and force us to tiptoe around these "important" relationships with a fake, condescending attitude. The mormon guilt works this way too. If we don't do everything we can to bring our family members back to church then we will end up in heaven with holes in our family tree. And those holes are my fault because I didn't do enough. 

I can't count the number of times that you were brave enough to confide in me about your feelings. When I responded with, "It's all out of love." It must have felt like being offered a cookie made with salt instead of sugar. How could we have been offering you love that was contingent on your actions and choices?  

In Pres Nelson's talk, "Come Follow Me" he talked of saying goodbye to his daughter as she passed away. He told her how proud he was of her following the teachings of the church throughout her life. It makes me wonder, what if she hadn't? What if she had followed her own path? Would he have told her he was disappointed in her as their final interaction on this earth? Would he have told her that he would miss her in heaven since she did not earn her place there? 

My dear sister, here is what I would tell you if it was our last interaction on this earth:

I love you. You are one of the strongest and most driven people I know. You care about others. You have spent your life striving to be the best and to build connections with others. You have made tough decisions throughout your life and have been strong enough to take responsibility for those choices. You have found your own path and you have owned that path even when you knew it would be difficult. I have always been proud to say you are my sister. If we aren't together in heaven, it isn't heaven. Save me a seat next to you on the beach with a rum and coke!