Dear K:

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Thirteen years ago my daughter passed away at age thirteen. Here is the letter I would send her if I could.


Dear K:

    This week was your twenty-sixth birthday. You have now been gone from me longer than you have been with me. I can't even explain how much I miss you. Your two sisters have become substitutes for your conversations and fun, but many times they also remind me that you are missing from our circle. 

    I hope that you are still around. You could be peeking down from heaven to check on us. Watching your sisters giggle in the car together as they drive to the job they share at Sonic. Watching your brother getting closer to the girl he plans to marry. Laughing at me while I struggle to connect with my high school students. 

   If you still exist you now know more than I do. I wish you could send me a sign; tell me what I should do. I'm living my life the best way I can. But what if I'm wrong? What if you end up in heaven without me? What if the decision to leave the church now means that our family will no longer be together forever? I feel guilty that you aren't here to help our family through this time. Your voice is silenced as we make choices that could affect you for eternity. It's unfair.

So, I hope that you are no longer in existence. I can hold onto the memories. The video of you doing the worm down the hall in your middle school. The letter hidden in your dresser telling me that you got in trouble for chewing gum in class. The knocks on your window from your friend asking you to climb through and hang out. The countless videos of  your gymnastic routines playing in my mind. There are still pieces of you left in the minds and hearts of your friends. Seeing them on Instagram reminds me that you are alive in them, and maybe that is the only existence you will ever have now. 

    This decision is breaking me in two. If you still exist there is nothing I wouldn't do to see you again. Whatever I would need to do in this life would be worth it if I could be with you in heaven. But if you do not exist, I need to move forward. I need to live my life so that I can leave this world with no regrets. It might be the only time I have.

    I am ready to take responsibility and control over my own life. I'm ready to decide what the purpose of my life is. I can't wait to get out into the world and make a difference. Whether you are in heaven or if you are only a memory, I know that you will be proud as I reach out and touch the lives of others.

    I love you and will miss you forever.

Love,

Mom

    


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